Wednesday, February 13, 2008
well well well.. another comes and i spent it unwisely.. =.= i didnt touch my notes only till 4pm.. and i cant make myself focus for at least 1hour.. i kept go in and out of my room.. i get very distracted and that it.. i dont noe why.. this is the very first time i find it so hard to focus.. haish! i am getting from bad to worse.. sometimes i think i should just stop dreaming about getting into wheelock and just get into the society and start working after i receive my diploma.. maybe that should do me good too.. i am just too stupid and too dumb to get into the uni.. scold myself and blame myself for everything and that it is.. keep telling myself that i shouldnt come online and msn and chat with people.. but i still come.. =.= i cannot live without online man.. haish! just scold myself for being stupid and idiotic can!
oh ya yesterday i received a call from choonheng.. i got a shock.. haha! i noe he will be reading my blog.. so i just want to say thank you to you and to gabrielle.. thanks for being so concern about me.. =) haha i never imagine that you all will actually call me and ask me what happened neh.. cause i wasnt that close to you all afterall.. but still very thankie to you two.. =D and hor such a stupid stuff dont bother much also lah cause trying very hard to get out from all this shit also.. so soon i will be alright and you will get to see me smiling happily again! =D i shall promise everyone! heex!
sometimes hor i think a lot.. like yesterday i told sweetie that i am very scared.. she asked me scare of what.. i told her i scare that everything will change again.. this scare-ness all happens after she said that she will be hunting for job in march.. i feel so scared suddenly and i didnt have the mood to continue talking.. i asked her what is friendship? i told her i have fear in friendship.. i no longer have the trust in friendship.. i think back sometimes..
my secondary school frenx havent been contacting one another for a very long time.. i dont noe why.. i believe everyone is just too busy in their work and that the reason why we are not contacting one another.. but deep inside my heart i noe that is not the real reason behind it.. my click are all attached.. and most of them are spending their time with their bf.. so me will be the most free one cause i am not attached.. not to just say my click.. in the past we used to organise outing and many of them will turn up.. but now no more outings and we lost contact with one another.. not really lost.. just that we dont meet up and we dont msn or sms one another.. no more.. not to say only my secondary school frenx..
sometimes i think i am also losing contacts with my kuku family.. i didnt spend time with them and i feel super guilty.. most of my time i was busy with my school and also giving tuition at night.. till the fact that no time were left for them.. then i feel super guilty when they always date me out but i cant.. and slowly i lost everything.. this hurts.. people always lost certain thing then they will realise that how hurt it can be.. i always doesnt give them time and spend with them thus only leading myself the word hurt.. i got to blame myself for this.. should i promise to give them more time and spend more time with them? but i doubt they can also.. dearie is working and kuku is also going to work soon.. ah ji is also busy with her studies.. so do i.. haish! everything not going to be true liao! time change everything.. but whenever i am with them.. i feel happy cause they never show me a sad face even though either of them is sad.. we still laugh and play.. i really feel very great when i am hanging out with them! i never going to forget about my kuku family! they make up part of my life! and show me that you love me too.. =.=
then for my poly pals.. i used to have a group of good pals who always do things together and play together.. but everything change and i get to see the true colours of one another.. then we are split and this is the most hurting scar i have.. i cant accept the fact till i was crying for days.. this was also the time i started to lose trust in friendship.. but i was lucky i got 2 other close frenx of mine who always stand by me.. then slowly come another 3 girls who never fail to brighten my days everyday when i was in school.. we never stop laughing.. i called ourselves as the gang of 6! we already plan to go sentosa to play! but i wonder will they go due to the fact that everyone is quite busy neh.. =.= haha! but i believe in them they will go and have fun together! =) sometimes i dont noe.. i find ting zi sam leen and qing very nice! they always joke around with me and make me feel so happy even when i am sad.. especially ting and leen.. they noe a lot of my stuffs cause i told them.. they gave me encouragement and gave me support.. i will never forget what you all give me.. i will make sure i repay it to you all! let me feel love once again bah! =)
beside the gang of 6 during poly life.. i still have a sweetie with me.. she is my lovely girlie! she is also my sweetheart.. but sometimes she can be very fierce to me.. she does nags at times too.. so we both nag at each other.. =) i cant keep anything from her.. she noes when i am sad and she noes when i am happy.. she always make me feel love too.. i cant imagine if i were to accept the fact that the time we going to spend will be lesser.. i am scared.. she noes why i am scared.. haish! sweetie girl can you always promise to be with me and let me feel the friendship love? will you be able to let me feel trust in friendship again? i dont want to accept the truth that everything going to change.. you will be busy working and i wont be able to date you out also.. i feel sad my girl.. haish! i will miss those clubbing dates and those late night and most importantly my boat quay date! you havent date me to boat quay..
i just finished ranting on my worries and fear.. the fact is i really dont have trust in friendship.. i feel scare.. i am a person who needs a lot of love.. if i dont feel that i will panick and cry.. i need to receive a lot of attention too.. i am also a easy prey.. i fall into trap very easily.. thus people love to bully me and make fun of me.. i am just a little crybaby and i cant quit this habit of mine.. i hate myself being a crybaby.. every single thing i will cry and cry and make myself feel so sad.. this is me and i really hate me.. haish! i want to be stronger and i want to show everyone that i can be strong and i wont let people to bully me.. but it seems like this is very difficult.. haish! out of sudden i am feeling very upset and i want to stop the time.. haish.. =(( i dont want the time to move so fast.. the faster it moves.. i will feel more fear.. i am sad!! i need someone to cheer me up once again.. *crying in process*
oh ya yesterday i received a call from choonheng.. i got a shock.. haha! i noe he will be reading my blog.. so i just want to say thank you to you and to gabrielle.. thanks for being so concern about me.. =) haha i never imagine that you all will actually call me and ask me what happened neh.. cause i wasnt that close to you all afterall.. but still very thankie to you two.. =D and hor such a stupid stuff dont bother much also lah cause trying very hard to get out from all this shit also.. so soon i will be alright and you will get to see me smiling happily again! =D i shall promise everyone! heex!
sometimes hor i think a lot.. like yesterday i told sweetie that i am very scared.. she asked me scare of what.. i told her i scare that everything will change again.. this scare-ness all happens after she said that she will be hunting for job in march.. i feel so scared suddenly and i didnt have the mood to continue talking.. i asked her what is friendship? i told her i have fear in friendship.. i no longer have the trust in friendship.. i think back sometimes..
my secondary school frenx havent been contacting one another for a very long time.. i dont noe why.. i believe everyone is just too busy in their work and that the reason why we are not contacting one another.. but deep inside my heart i noe that is not the real reason behind it.. my click are all attached.. and most of them are spending their time with their bf.. so me will be the most free one cause i am not attached.. not to just say my click.. in the past we used to organise outing and many of them will turn up.. but now no more outings and we lost contact with one another.. not really lost.. just that we dont meet up and we dont msn or sms one another.. no more.. not to say only my secondary school frenx..
sometimes i think i am also losing contacts with my kuku family.. i didnt spend time with them and i feel super guilty.. most of my time i was busy with my school and also giving tuition at night.. till the fact that no time were left for them.. then i feel super guilty when they always date me out but i cant.. and slowly i lost everything.. this hurts.. people always lost certain thing then they will realise that how hurt it can be.. i always doesnt give them time and spend with them thus only leading myself the word hurt.. i got to blame myself for this.. should i promise to give them more time and spend more time with them? but i doubt they can also.. dearie is working and kuku is also going to work soon.. ah ji is also busy with her studies.. so do i.. haish! everything not going to be true liao! time change everything.. but whenever i am with them.. i feel happy cause they never show me a sad face even though either of them is sad.. we still laugh and play.. i really feel very great when i am hanging out with them! i never going to forget about my kuku family! they make up part of my life! and show me that you love me too.. =.=
then for my poly pals.. i used to have a group of good pals who always do things together and play together.. but everything change and i get to see the true colours of one another.. then we are split and this is the most hurting scar i have.. i cant accept the fact till i was crying for days.. this was also the time i started to lose trust in friendship.. but i was lucky i got 2 other close frenx of mine who always stand by me.. then slowly come another 3 girls who never fail to brighten my days everyday when i was in school.. we never stop laughing.. i called ourselves as the gang of 6! we already plan to go sentosa to play! but i wonder will they go due to the fact that everyone is quite busy neh.. =.= haha! but i believe in them they will go and have fun together! =) sometimes i dont noe.. i find ting zi sam leen and qing very nice! they always joke around with me and make me feel so happy even when i am sad.. especially ting and leen.. they noe a lot of my stuffs cause i told them.. they gave me encouragement and gave me support.. i will never forget what you all give me.. i will make sure i repay it to you all! let me feel love once again bah! =)
beside the gang of 6 during poly life.. i still have a sweetie with me.. she is my lovely girlie! she is also my sweetheart.. but sometimes she can be very fierce to me.. she does nags at times too.. so we both nag at each other.. =) i cant keep anything from her.. she noes when i am sad and she noes when i am happy.. she always make me feel love too.. i cant imagine if i were to accept the fact that the time we going to spend will be lesser.. i am scared.. she noes why i am scared.. haish! sweetie girl can you always promise to be with me and let me feel the friendship love? will you be able to let me feel trust in friendship again? i dont want to accept the truth that everything going to change.. you will be busy working and i wont be able to date you out also.. i feel sad my girl.. haish! i will miss those clubbing dates and those late night and most importantly my boat quay date! you havent date me to boat quay..
i just finished ranting on my worries and fear.. the fact is i really dont have trust in friendship.. i feel scare.. i am a person who needs a lot of love.. if i dont feel that i will panick and cry.. i need to receive a lot of attention too.. i am also a easy prey.. i fall into trap very easily.. thus people love to bully me and make fun of me.. i am just a little crybaby and i cant quit this habit of mine.. i hate myself being a crybaby.. every single thing i will cry and cry and make myself feel so sad.. this is me and i really hate me.. haish! i want to be stronger and i want to show everyone that i can be strong and i wont let people to bully me.. but it seems like this is very difficult.. haish! out of sudden i am feeling very upset and i want to stop the time.. haish.. =(( i dont want the time to move so fast.. the faster it moves.. i will feel more fear.. i am sad!! i need someone to cheer me up once again.. *crying in process*
we leave a mark @ 12:44 AM.
